So, I have decided to share my new theory. Every country and major state has a choice of only two exports; cake or death.
No no, hear me out. I can prove it. But here’s where it gets complicated, as there is also the second Law of Export of Logic, (copyright to me!) and also the third, and fourth, Law of Export of Logic.
So, the First Law of Export of Logic. This states the original truth; that a countrys only export can be either cake or death.
Fairly obvious, Britain exports the Victoria Sponge. France exports the croissant. Spain exports the Madiera cake. Russia exports Vodka (which is kind of like cake; have some, you want more, but you have more and you regret having some).
But, Japan still has, and uses, the death penalty, so its export is death. Egypt gives us the honey wine, known as mead, again, like vodka, similar to too much cake, ergo, death of dignity. Africa has given us Amarula, which if left in hands of someone who thinks they can handle vodka, swiftly teaches them not to move onto mead.
But then, here’s the confusion, the Second Law of the Export of Logic. A country can switch. For example, Germany. A country that gave us the holocaust, now, exports black forest gateau. Russia, used to give us gulags, now it gives us vodka, a vicious kick to our will to survive on the morning after a ‘russian gift’ binge.
But then the Third Law of Export of Logic, a country that flips, or in fact any country, can have, by degree of weird, both. For example, Germany, which can’t quite let go of the First Law, also gives us Death by Chocolate cake, guaranteed to be painful after half a slice, but also death and cake, in one fell swoop. We have China, that has the death penalty, and Pokémon.
But China also has the ‘one child law’. Set up in 1979, to try and quell the rapidly growing population. The population ratio of most other countries is 105 male to 100 female, but China, with its disdain for female babies has given rise to 114 males to 100 females.
Sadly, there is a well-known long-lived dislike for female babies in Chinese culture, mainly in the Han Chinese areas, has lead to abandonment, sterilisation and even forced abortion, to have the prefered male offspring. Horror stories still emerge from shock news of female babies left in gutters, women forced into abortion as far as 6 months into the pregnancy, as far as the news will reveal. But of course, shock news pieces will always travel faster, further and louder than calm, nice news.
This practice of one child per couple was supposed to be a temporary measure, but is still in use over 25 years after it was laid down. But only in the main towns and cities, the rural areas are not covered by the law. But there’s also the strange line that is drawn for married single child couples; they can have two children, wherever they live.
This practice, while horrific to some has actually saved the majority of China, as the estimated population rate had been cut by approximately 300 million, and in a country of 1.3 billion, that’s quite a stopping power. Especially as that was in the first 20 years.
Thus we move to the fourth Law of Export of Logic. America. It exports cake, death, bad habits and tv. Oh, and lucky charms cereal, I forgive you America, for so many things. But I cannot forgive you for Jersey shore.