Stupid people, stupid labels. Mr Trick enjoys Schadenfreude.

The world is built of many types of people. Loads of people. We need most of them. Emphasis on most. What we really need now is common sense. Something so rare it’s become a bloody superpower.

Have you ever read the Darwin awards? If you haven’t, you’re missing out, seriously. They’re hilarious. They list the things, that even if you don’t know the Darwin awards, you know the feeling. Laughing at stupidity, stupid behaviour and very swift lessons in educational justice.

We have all had that feeling, when reading the news, of thinking “well, it serves the stupid bastard right. I mean, who does that, really?” and if you say you haven’t, you’re lying. But for those who have been living in a hole for twenty years, a Darwin award is awarded thusly; To qualify for a Darwin award you must kill yourself, or remove your ability to procreate through your own stupidity. It must remove your ability to pollute the gene-pool with someone that could potentially be dumber than you.

Schadenfreude, or the German word for laughing at the misfortune of others, is rife everywhere. It can take the form of giggling maniacally at people on You’ve Been Framed, or stifling a smirk at a kid who’s been told not to run or he’ll fall, falling (ha ha) right up to that moment when you look up and realise that Karma deserves a huge thank you, and maybe a big sloppy kiss.

Stupidity strikes the best of us at the worst of times; walking into a highly polished glass door. Asking for a tain tricket, and other spoonerisms and fruedian slips. It hijacks our legs in front of attractive groups of the opposite sex, and stops us making the right choice at the worst time.

But now, there’s warning labels on everything, and they had to put them there, because people complained about being hurt, and not just once. If it will save money from being sued, companies will put warning labels on products. Leading to some very stupidly obvious warnings. But apparently not that obvious.

Warnings include ‘Do not attempt to stop with hands or genitals.” On a chainsaw. A CHAINSAW. GENITALS? Seriously? There was a problem with that?

Or perhaps “Contents hot”. On a cup of coffee. Really? Who drinks cold coffee? You can complain if your coffee is cold, but if you throw it in your lap waving the cup round you quite frankly deserve to get burnt.

On a Childs superman costume “Does not make wearer fly”. Who the fuck thought it would? Who threw their kid to see if it worked?

“Do not use underwater.” On a hairdryer. Yes, because when I’m in a pool I simply must put the latest style in my watery locks.

“Moves when used.” On a scooter. Really? You don’t fucking say, I thought I could use it to store my delicate Ming dynasty vase.

On a bag of peanuts “Not suitable for nut allergy sufferers.” Honestly? How do these people survive conception?

On a pack of Christmas lights. “For indoor or outdoor use only.” Awww, you ruin all my fun, I was going to stick them up my arse and skip down Disney downtown singing with bluebirds. Where the hell else am I going to use them?

I embrace the Bill Hicks style of thinking. He points out that anyone who goes on an acid trip, then jumps off a building because they think they’re a duck. What a complete moron. Ever see a duck climb a tree to take off? No. They get a run up. Someone kill themselves with their idiocy, good. The intelligence of the world has just risen by their passing.

Celebrate, we lost a moron.

But stupidity, in other people, is generally funny. Especially when such horrible things happen to people who seem to really deserve it. A guy was throwing rocks and concrete off an over-pass bridge, to fuck up the cars going under. Presumably because he didn’t give a shit if he caused deaths. Then karma stepped in. He picked up a lump of concrete and balanced out on the edge of the bridge, then hoofed it off.

Here’s where it gets hilarious.

The concrete had a metal bar through it, and that bar had a hooked end. See the inevitability?
The hook got caught in his trousers, he didn’t notice, and when he heaved it over, that hook caught itself a little fish.

He lived, but even if they could extract semen right from the testes, they’re gone too. Darwin award, table 3.

But sometimes stupidity is less obvious. And no-one can really laugh, not until way later, when the victim of the dickusheadus braindeadius virus finally see’s what everyone else was laughing at. It’s a shame, those people rarely see the horrible choices they’re making, until everyone has given up trying to teach them, and leaves. Good luck moron, you’re on your own, I finally give up.

But the simple way to make sure that you don’t suffer a Darwin moment is simply to think. Apply logic before movement. Apply brain before mouth. Please. It’s not asking much.

But apparently it is. Le sigh.


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