Che, lies, food and forks. Mr Trick helps those who help themselves.

They say that if you tell a lie often enough, it becomes a truth. They also say that if that lie is said loud enough, it can become a truth.

The problem is, that lie only really has to be said enough times, at the right time, loud enough, by the right, or richest people, in the right place, or even just be repeated enough times on the mental equivalent of Twitter, and suddenly, it not only becomes truth. It becomes the truth that always was.

I can give you a million examples, but the one that stands out in my mind at the moment is Che. Not a great example, but the only way to know the truth is to be there, so we’ll have to settle for him.

Sadly, you can hear both, or all, the sides of the story, and you’ll still only hear half the truth. Unless you were there, right there, in the thick of it, you have no right to tell others what the truth is.

Ok, for starters. Che. It was reported a few years ago that his name ‘Che’ instead of his given name Ernesto, was actually a nickname he got in school. It was said that it meant ‘stutterer’ because is his terrible speech impediment. This left a terrible problem for his fans, mainly the teenage ones, who had no clue what he stood for. They couldn’t call him Che anymore, or they’d be insulting their idol, but they couldn’t call him Ernesto, or no one would know how cool they were for buying millions of things with his face printed on it. This was actually a smear campaign to take attention away from his communist work. Make of that what you will. Seriously, go to a search engine, or better yet, a library, and look up Che Guevara.

Don’t wear a beret while you do though, please. They’re awful. Unless you’re military, if that’s the case, wear them all you like, Tilf and I salute you.

I often fancy a Che mug, not for any communist reasons, gods know I love retail therapy too much, not that I can afford it. I just want a Che tea. Every morning, Che tea, guaranteed to battle the oppressive feeling of not wanting to wake up, fight back against the rising tide of sleeplessness and embrace the loving warmth of tea and a fag before work.

After breakfast of course, breakfast is so important. Amazingly so, it sets your metabolic clock for the day, if you skip it, your body becomes convinced there’s no food to be had, and will hang on to all the fat it can. Skip breakfast to lose weight? Won’t work. Unless you’re one of those people with a confused metabolism anyway, in which case, you’re more likely to try and put weight on, not lose it.

That amazes me, people who try to lose weight by dropping all food. And I’m not talking about anorexia, that is an entirely different kettle of not eaten fish. Those that try to lose weight by just skipping meals don’t seem to realise that they’re doing more harm than good.

Want some diet tips? Ok, fine, have these ones.
-Use a smaller plate.
-Serve smaller portions.
-Chew more, and for longer.
-Eat salad and other light carb, high water content foods.
-Eat slower, your brain takes 5-15 minutes to realise your stomach is full, so it takes that long for you to realise.
-Avoid high sugar, high carb foods.
-Learn what your body is telling you. You’ve been connected to it all your life, if you can’t tell what it needs, you’ve got problems.
-Move more.
-Most important, more than anything else, be aware of what size you actually are, if you think you’re just a little chubby, hell, it’s winter, and it’s fucking cold out there. If you think you’re too skinny, what are you doing looking for diet tips?

In fairness, those who are underweight, I cam help there too, sort of. If you have a medical reason yo be underweight, for example, Chrones disease, IBS or similar, I can’t help you, only your doctor can help. I don’t want to suggest something to you that will make you sick, put you in pain or otherwise fuck you up!

But I can help with those just underweight, the usual jokes about battered mars bars and pies aside, it is easier said than done to put on weight, and I pity those trying to do it. More than those trying to lose it.

I can’t help anymore, I can’t help myself, what makes you think I can fix your problems?


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