Glasses and other torture devices. Tilf and Trick explain the ‘joy’ of spectacles.

Bloody glasses! And not ones with no lenses, actual glasses, that actually help me see, because I’m basically blind. I get so angry at glasses. And no non-glasses-wearer will ever truly understand the rage felt by us who live in the world of 4 eyes.

They slip, they crack, they break, the cat bats them under the sofa, they fog, they get replaced and give you headaches. I hate having to wear glasses, and I know others will know the reasons.

I present to you, the world of spiteful glasses.

Problem number 1: When it’s sunny, you either pay through the nose for transition lenses, or you have prescription shades. Now, I have a form of dyslexia, called dyspraxia, which means, amongst other things, I need colour over words to read them, or the tricky little devils move. And dance. And slide. And run down the page. And turn into numbers and sometimes just plain old disappear. This means I can’t have transitions, because you can’t put colour tint on transitions, so in summer, I have to change my glasses every single damned time I go into a building, or clouds get in the way of the sun. Which I know they do on purpose. “Ha, look, she’s just changed her glasses for the 20th time in half an hour, get some cumulus over here.” Bastards.

The reason you have to take shades off inside is because otherwise you look like one of those arseholes who wears sunglasses inside. Or says things like ‘shades’.

Problem number 2: Pets. Pets hate glasses, and will do all they can to destroy them. My dog tried to eat my glasses on a regular basis, Boo pushes them under things in the middle of the night, and pulls them off my face. But they do have the joy of being a useful cat greeting tool. Take your glasses off and put the end of the arm near the cat, it has your scent on it. The cat can smell you from a safe distance. And added bonus, you have no glasses so you can’t even see the funny looks people are giving you, or the fact that it’s actually a monster sewer rat you’ve been calling ‘kitty’ for half an hour.

Problem number 3: Cooking. No oven turned on, no kettle boiled, no saucepan used, nothing, can resist the urge to turn your world screens into tiny steam traps.

Problem number 4: Arseholes. That’s right, you bastards that wear fake glasses? You’re the kind of twat that battered me senseless in school for being ‘a speccy, 4-eyed, nerd’. Wrong, I’m a geek, but I’d still be a geek even if I could see you from more than a couple of feet away, being half blind doesn’t change that! And now you run around with your shitty fake glasses, by Armani or Lacoste or Police, and tell me how they love accessorizing their look with glasses, while wearing make up. No. No. No. You total arseholes, you can’t wear proper make up with glasses as it covers the nose pieces and makes them all manky. No dramatic smokey eyes for me, no bugger can see it. No mascara, it makes your eye lashes so long they catch on the lens and make you look half asleep, or like you blinked and forgot what to do halfway through. When I see people with fake glasses I want to stamp on them, I want to poke the owners in the eye. Lets see you accessorize now, fucker.

Problem number 5: On the subject of things on lenses. If you don’t wear glasses you won’t get the trauma of trying for half an hour to get something off your lens, only to find that the bloody thing is in your eye. And vice versa. It’s infuriating. Of course, once you’ve realized it’s on your eye, you wipe it and put a huge smeary fingerprint on the inside of the lens. Fucks’ sake. Take them off, again, and clean them, again, and poke yourself in the eye with the arm putting them on, so you instantly put your hand to your eye… And reward yourself with a smeared eyelid print on the lens instead.

Argh. Oh, for gods’ sakes.

Problem number 6: People who are ‘funny’. If you wear glasses, you’ll be familiar with this. “Let me try your glasses on, oh my god, you can’t see anything, eurgh, they give me a headache.” Yes, there’s always that one person at a party, at a friends, or even (and this happened) just a random in town. They reach over, take your glasses off, try them on, declare loudly that you’re blind as fuck, then complain that YOUR glasses gave THEM a headache. Yes, that’s because they’re mine, fucktard, and yes, thank you, I know my eyes are crap, thank you for telling everyone in a 5 mile radius, I hope you step on a Lego. Would they go up to someone in a wheelchair and say “Let me try your chair” shove, “you really can’t walk”. But the upside is, yes, I have the visibility of a bat by day, but I have amazing night vision, I can smell you up the road, and I know who you are by your smell, your walk and your shape. I may have shitty vision, but I’m not an idiot. If I lose my glasses, I can still recognise you, fucker.

Problem number 7: Losing them. Yep, you take your glasses off to go to sleep, or have a bath or something, and you can’t find them. Needing your glasses to find your glasses, an evil and cruel trick. And having a shower? Yeah, hours of fun, trying to work out which bottle is which, just having a guess and washing your hair with shower gel. All you need is one permanent marker, draw a big S on the shampoo, a C on the conditioner and a G on the gel. Success!

As we’ve discussed before, I’m half blind, and I’m 6 feet tall, imagine how big I have to draw the letters?

But in fairness, considering how many people in this country are blind, I’m doing pretty well. In the UK alone, a rough estimate puts 2 million people as blind or severely partially sighted, this works our at 1 in 30 people. It’s estimated that in 30 years, over 4 million will be blind. And that’s not taking into account those born blind or those blinded by accidents. That’s a shockingly high figure, and there’s very few, if any, people who can instantly cope with being blind. There are reports of trauma, suicide attempts, drug use, paranoia and a whole range of negative emotions, not even starting on trying to help these poor buggers live a normal life, at home on their own.

The RNIB trains guide dogs and therapists, people who can help and advice. The way my vision is going, I will probably need some or all of their help at some point, as might you, or someone close to you. Also, fundraising gives a very valid excuse to hang around with those adorable guide dog puppies.

I still hate not being able to wear over the top make up, but I love being to look over my glasses at people. I can’t see them, but that’s entirely beside the point. It’s fun.

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