Hormones, debt and mail order weirdness. Tilf and Trick get a little disturbed by e-mails.

I finally got a chance to read the spam e-mail messages that filter through my walls. And I have to say I was a little disturbed by them.

There’s always the usual spam that comes through any firewall or filter. The standard ones. ‘You have gro big wang’, ‘my boobs in your face’ and ‘many cumming I give you’. And all the other usual misspelled, grammatically incorrect nonsense that shows just how much these centres don’t check their recipients. I’m fairly certain I’m still a woman, so growing ‘a big wang’ is not high on my list of things I want.
Although, I’m still single, so I suppose if I grew one I could occupy myself at the weekend…

No no. Forget that. Never mind.

I’m also straight, so I have very little desire to have boobs in my face. I’m happy with mine, staying on my chest.
Anyway, we all expect the occasional one to show up in our inboxes, some little one that slips through the net. But due to some brilliant new walls, internet service providers and e-mail companies we don’t have to worry so much about ‘big penus in too weeks’.

But this batch of messages came through and were filled with a new type. There was a spate of messages going round for ages a few years ago, the classic ‘I have 10 million pounds, send me your bank details, I’ll send it to you’ and ‘I am a prince of Africa and I can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams, just send me your bank details’. And all that nonsense.

These were similar, but more worrying. There were hundreds, all but one offering the same thing. The one offered something deeply upsetting, it offered human growth hormones. For cheap.

I mean, really? What the actual fuck?

You too can buy cheap growth hormone on the internet. Just off the bat. Like buying cheap shoes or holidays.

Oh, by the way, Tuesday, 3pm, 6 weeks before you travel is apparently the cheapest time to buy your online holiday. Apparently.

Anyway, that worried me at first. Then realised that I was worrying about the wrong thing. I was worried about buying drugs and hormones online, but there were hundreds of reasons to have a bigger fear. All of them offering a hundred ways to fuck your future up. For however long you like, at a mere 5000% interest.


Now, in fairness, the average payday loan company charges 1700% per annum. This means for every year you don’t pay back, you owe them 1700% on what you borrowed.
Let’s do some maths. It’s only a little bit, don’t panic!

So, you borrow £250, that means in a year, you owe them £4250. That’s quite a jump. And one that spirals, so if you can’t pay them back for another year, if they’re nice you only owe them £8500. If they’re not, you owe them £72,250.

That’s a house deposit. Or half a Ferrari, or the wing mirror of a Rolls Royce.
In fairness, a Rolls is probably a worthy thing to get into debt for, but not really.

There are thousands of people dropping further and further into debt. There’s people relying on food-banks. Some of them are just saving on food to get the better cars and gadgets, but there are quite a considerable number of those people who actually are starving. We got to a stage where people had to choose between food or warmth. It was called the ‘eating or heating dilemma’.

And the outcry was rather, shamefully, quiet.

People have been getting into debt for years, it’s always happened and it always will. But so many are leaping into a deep pool of debt they can’t swim out of.
And they’re drowning.

If you’re in that position, I would suggest seeking help. A debt consolidator. Or better yet, just sit down with a pen and paper, and work it out. Find your numbers, your in-comings and out-goings, and find a happy middle ground. Something you can cope with. Tighten your belt and take what help you can.
Swallowing pride isn’t easy, but sometimes you have to.
If I can swallow a lump that big, anyone can.

But you still shouldn’t buy drugs or growth hormones online. Or spouses.


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