I recently enjoyed a day off, it was marvellous. But it was a little marred by my horribly high standards of child control. As such, I have decided I need to run the country.
I now present part one, of a few, of my manifesto for my view of a better UK.
For starters, I’m going to invent a shopping chain where no children are allowed. Imagine, being able to do the weekly food shop without hearing the scream of a spoilt brat. Imagine being able to wander aimlessly along the cereal aisle without having your ankle rammed by a three year old with a giant trolley. Imagine the beauty of a peaceful shop. Ahhh, bliss.
Second, I’m going to implement a new justice system. Those ‘little’ crimes; graffiti, littering, public drunkenness and loud behaviour, they shall be met with the Jumpsuit Gang. Girls will be dressed in neon green, boys in neon pink, they shall be herded into gangs and made to clean the streets, the roads and the walls. They’ll be guarded by horse-mounted guards, armed with tranquiliser darts. For every day they behave and do as they’re told, they’ll cut an hour off their sentence, those not showing up will add a week to their sentence. Easy. I will implement a home-raiding initiative for those shirking jumpsuit duty.
Third, income tax. This is balderdash. How can you expect an economy to grow when the people aren’t being left any disposable income to buy anything with? Remove income tax, encourage luxury item purchases. And ban payday loan companies. Vultures belong in deserts, not offices.
Fourth, mandatory driving lessons in 6th form. If they don’t take lessons in school, they must take extra lessons before they’re allowed to pass when they take the final lessons and tests. School lessons will be teaching the useful, as well as the random. I want home economics brought back. Teach both genders to cook, clean and sew. Teach both how to change a plug, fix a broken toilet and how to organise finances.
Fifth. This whole shit about politicians having travel expenses? That ends immediately. Everyone else has to pay to get to work with their earnings, so those running the country can too. No more antique desks and classical works of art on walls. Unless they buy them themselves. Ikea furniture is good enough for everyone else, so it should be good enough for those who are supposed to know what the masses have. Unless the desks have been in those rooms for more than 100 years. But then the rooms shall be swapped around amongst politicians, so everyone has a go with a nice desk.
Sixth. Implement a controlled medicinal marijuana centre. There will be proper research into cannabis and it’s effects. Also, on other drugs. Every town will have a Cannabis Control Centre. Every area will have a maximum of two licensed growers per acre. Each of those will have two licensed distributors and a licensed area in the control centre. All plants will be taxed according to yield. Anyone found growing, selling or smoking without the appropriate license will be sent to jail.
Ah, that reminds me, jail, number seven, and the last for this post. Jail is not meant to be a holiday home. All this bollocks about having the latest games consoles? Rubbish. They can have a basic mattress and blanket. Access to a library. Access to cardiovascular exercise equipment, connected to electric dynamos. If they don’t exercise, they have no power for anything. Access to educational facilities. No TV except one or two in the main common room, and if they can’t agree what to watch, they won’t watch anything. I will allow the major sports events to be played, but in a room off to one side. If the prisoners are prepared to do street work, or for every degree they earn in useful courses, they cut a certain amount of time off their sentence.
There will be reading and education programmes for those less educated. There will be rehab centres. There will be zero tolerance on drugs. I will allow a small amount of drinking on new years. There will be no fights. Aggression will be dealt with in a zero tolerance manner.
With those points in mind, I ask you, vote for me, there’s more points to come.