This is presented in a few portions, I don’t know how many, I haven’t decided yet! I also have no idea what direction it’ll take, it all depends how I feel!
Me: What are you doing Boo?
Boo: I’m helping.
Me: Not really, I’m trying to change the bed sheets.
Boo: Yes, I see that, I’m helping.
Me: Again, not really. I’m changing bedding and you’re just laying in the middle.
Boo: I could scratch about the place.
Me: Also, not helpful.
As a cat owner, when changing bed sheets, simply change the pillow cases, now pull the old sheet off. Pile it on the floor, you’ll need it later. You’ll find that in-between blinks, you’ll have developed a case of cat in the middle of the bed.
Pull the new sheet across the top corners, pull it roughly to the middle of the bed, and walk away. Go read a book or something, build a life size Taj Mahal out of matchsticks. Eventually, the cat will move to the top of the sheet and you can pull it to the bottom corners too.
Gently wiggle the quilt until the predictable cat emerges, now you can start the arduous process of changing the cover. About halfway through, you’ll find that your quilt has sprung another cat leak, read ‘War and Peace’ while you’re waiting for it to get bored.
When you’ve discovered the secret of life, the cat will emerge to glory hound your research, leaving you to pull the cover quickly down the quilt. Do the buttons up and discover you’ve put the quilt in sideways, the cover is inside out and three seasons have passed since you started.
Tie the old sheet round your neck, careful, that will have a cat infestation too. When you’ve pried the cats out of your eyelids, parade around the house with your sheet-cape singing ‘We are the Champions’.
Greebo: This bed amaze, I sleep.
Me: Please, don’t sleep there.
Greebo: Why, I sleep.
Me: That’s my face, you’re trying to sleep on my face.
Greebo: Is warm, I sleep.
Me: *shoo’s her away*
Boo: Thank you, that’s my spot. *settles on my face*