I am helping, like a glass of water to a drowning man.
With Brexit, Trump, the crash of the Canadian immigration website, a tremendously shitty year for the deaths of inspirational celebrities and general ill-feeling I have heard that a lot of people are looking to live in new places and start new lives. With that in mind, just in case anyone wanted to come to Britain, I have arranged a list of commonly used British words and phrases to help the weary traveller stay hidden in the crowd and not stand out.
Y’alright?: This is a greeting, similar to ‘hi, how are you?’ without the annoyance of so many syllables. It handily comprises the hello and askance of health, while sounding relaxed but not revealing the lack of concern as to how the other person is. After all, you’ve had to spend at least part of your day surrounded by people, who the hell wants to interact with them too?
Good, you?: This is the appropriate response to ‘y’alright?’ People may ask how you are, but don’t for any reason say anything beyond this. Yes, you may have cancer, you have been hit by a car or just won the lottery, but no-one actually cares. They want to hear that you’re doing well and get on with not interacting people in the slightest.
NB. ‘Tired! You?’ (while smiling) is also an acceptable response.
Cheers: This is a wonderful word that covers a hell of a lot. It can be when a drink is being had with people as desperate as you to drink the evening away and lay in an alcohol driven funk until the alarm brings you back to crushing reality. It is also ‘thanks’ which handily fulfils our need for manners without having to interact with people too much.
Aw, little mite is grumpy: Your child is a screaming wretch and if you don’t get it away from me I’m going to punt it over that wall.
Aw, he/she is into everything, huh?: Your vile hell-spawn is touching all the stuff and messing up my shelves, catch it and restrain it or I’ll serve it on toast to a passing Rottweiler.
It’s not really to my taste: You’re clearly blind, have no taste or social skills and if you try to go out with me wearing that I will push you under the first bus that goes past us.
Yeah, it’s delicious: (when people have asked how your food is) No, it’s awful, it’s the first thing I’ve eaten all damn day, but it’s so awful I’m going to eat it all in the hope that it poisons me and I can die in front of you, hopefully scarring you for life.
Such a cute cat: That really is a cute cat. It’s so adorable I almost want to die now, just so I can keep the memory of that and not have it sullied by anything else.
Yes, we’re very happy: I am perfectly happy in my relationship and if you don’t stop prying into my private life I will Sparta you over that balcony and laugh as the birds peck at you.
Leave me alone to die.
(By the way, she is genuinely very happy! Hence me taking this for a while, she’s trying to keep the book in her brain to finish it soon. Second to last chapter, then we’ll start looking for agents/publishers!)
Oh, it’s a very interesting skirt/car/tattoo/whatever: Oh dear lord, what the fuck is that? I want to vomit to show you my displeasure then rub the acidic mess into my eyes to burn the memory from my brain. Please burn this item before I kill myself in front of your children to teach them humility and grace.
That escalated quickly: That was fucking hilarious. It must be difficult to be that savage. (Yes, humans can speak almost entirely in memes now).
The funny thing about humans at the moment is that our whole interaction with others has changed. If I we’re to say to someone, preferably my own age or a little younger, “Oh gods, Sir Anthony Hopkins is amazing, all I want if for him to kill me” they would understand. My parents, if they bothered to listen, would probably be horrified, asking me why I wanted to die. I would have to explain to steadily increasingly blank looks that I don’t want to die, not right now, but that’s how the world interacts now. Every western human below the age of 25 is steadily becoming a nihilist. I can’t decide how I feel about it.
But I do know that 2016 is totally ready to fucked off into the aether now.
(that means bye)